And that’s how I got a concussion
IM LAUGHING SO HARD I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT BOTTLE FALLING OVER AND CRUSHING HIM OH MY GOD
Titus Andronicus by William Shakespeare
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
|—||Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via illseeyousoon-then)|
This is what it’s like when I go on someone’s blog and a playlist starts playing.
how the fuck did they film that scene
they threw a radio at his face
do you think they told him
If you look hard enough, you can see it. [via]
OMG NO I SCROLLED DOWN BC I DIDNT SEE ANYTHING AND THEN I SCROLLED BACK UP AND HAD A HEART ATTACK OMFG
THAT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME
important harajuku fashion
i love how like
english-speaking people wear east-asian words on their clothes because they can’t read it naturally and it “looks cool”
and east-asian people do the Same Exact Thing with English words
it’s so great
“…There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark… Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless.”
“I would like to thank not only Google, but also the internet”
anonymous (via bewildered-perceptions)
(via kellryan)there’s a lot of quotes on here that make a lot of sense to me and I can relate to really well, but this quote for some reason really just took a huge place in my heart and instantly made me realize. I really love this quote. (via crybabyjpg)